What's Special About Abused Women?
Before writing this article, I stopped and thought hard. By writing this, would I be putting potentially harmful information in the hands of abusive men? Would I be putting more women at risk? The answer kept coming back 'no' – although the question did bring to mind another characteristic of abused women that I'll come back to.
The thing is, although abused women aren't usually aware of what's special about them, abusive men are. In fact,it would be hard to teach an abusive man anything he doesn't already know about choosing a victim.
Abusive men often come across, initially, as the unusually sensitive ones. This they undoubtedly are - to their own real and perceived hurts; and also to their partner's vulnerability.
Whether you choose to explain it as a sixth sense, a powerful conditioned response, or something akin to pheromones, doesn't really matter. Abusive men are exquisitely attuned to pick out vulnerable, susceptible women, however these women may present themselves.
It's unlikely these men could put the process into words. But they evaluate the responses of their prey very carefully. Whatever appears to be happening at the verbal level, at a deep level they are watching for the woman's readiness to abdicate her own personal power.
The particular type of woman they're looking for is characterised by a fundamental defencelessness. She may not present that way. On the surface she may be attractive, competent, able to take care of herself. At bottom, to a predatory man, she's a soft touch.
So what are the characteristics that set an abused woman apart?
· She's a naive romantic. She believes that love, her love will conquer all. It takes her the longest time to learn that love doesn't excuse her partner from being accountable for his actions.
· She doesn't know when to give up and walk away.
· She is a natural at guilt, apologies and shouldering the blame for whatever goes wrong.
· She takes responsibility for anything and everything. Hence my concern that writing an article aimed at revealing the specific characteristics of abused women might benefit predatory men.
· She doesn't believe that she is good enough. Her low self-worth, progressively lowered in an abusive relationship, means that however imperfect her man is, she still feels inferior to him. She sees him as compensating for her own inadequacies.
· Her 'no' lacks authority. In other words, she is easily bullied and put upon. She may sound strong-minded, but her wants, needs and reasons never carry the same weight for her as those of her partner.
· She has little or no idea of boundaries. She has little instinct for self-protection or self-preservation. Her best 'strategy' is often to hope that others will do right by her. (This strategy causes frequent, painful disappointment.)
· She believes in gender stereotypes. Men are the strong, powerful ones. Women can't manage on their own. Women need a man to complete them and to manage the challenging areas of life.
· She's really into rescue. A generous soul, she may well yearn for a rescuer, but she can't resist running to the rescue of anyone in distress. (This is often part of what attracts her to an abusive partner.) She's slow to learn that the people she rescues are more likely to turn aggressive than to show gratitude and loyalty in the long term.
· She believes that she is entitled to far less from life than other people. Other people have rights, she only has wishes that she believes are probably unreasonable.
· She's a generous, long-suffering person.
Does she sound familiar? It wouldn't be surprising. Abused women make up a significant proportion of any community. And it tends to be their gentler, more feminine qualities that put them at risk. By acquiring self-awareness and learning to ring-fence their frailties with strong boundaries, they can safeguard their specialness. At the same time they can protect themselves from further abuse.
Annie Kaszina
Joyful Coaching
An NLP Practitioner and Women's Empowerment Coach, Annie specialises in teaching women boundaries and helping them heal relationship pain, so they can reach their full emotional and personal stature. Email:annie@joyfulcoaching.com Websites: http://www.joyfulcoaching.com, http://www.anniekaszina.com To order Annie's eBook 'The Woman You Want To Be', or subscribe to Annie's free, twice monthly ezine, go to: http://www.joyfulcoaching.com
Related Themes:
African American Web Site Asks For More Coverage of Missing Black Women By the Media
The owner of the African American web site Let's Talk Honestly at www.letstalkhonestly.com starts petition asking for more cable news coverage of missing black women.
Robert and Beautiful Women
Before you read todays blog you need to make sure that you check out todays free podcast at the bottom
Soulmates?
A Beautiful Smile With a Silver Spring Cosmetic Dentist
When having a conversation with someone, the smile is very important It is one of the most effective ways in showing other persons how and what you feel
Matching Smiles to Personalities and Creating Beautiful, Natural Smiles with Cosmetic Dentistry
Beverly Hills cosmetic dentist, Dr. Kourosh Maddahi, is dedicated to creating beautiful, natural smiles. ?I had one patient come in with her gums bleeding, teeth cracked, missing and broken. In four weeks I made her a full mouth reconstruction. She was so elated. She sat there crying, saying ?you?ve changed my life, you?ve saved my life.? There?s nothing that would replace that kind of acknowledgment from a patient. That?s what I live for.?
Cosmetic Dentistry For Missing Teeth
Teeth are those little seemingly insignificant creations that, on the face of it, don?t appear that important until you loose them! Luckily for you and the innovations in cosmetic dentistry, if you?ve learnt your lesson the hard way, there are still lots of things you can do to replace lost teeth and protect those teeth that you still have left.
Plus Size Clothing For A Beautiful Wedding
In the past it was quite difficult for the full figured woman to find fitting clothing, not to mention a wedding dress. In those days the manufacturers just did not make plus sized clothing, to them plus sized women did not exist. Fortunately things have changed and major wedding brands of today are producing plus size clothing, and there are even outlets that cater to plus size clothing.
Why You Should Never Miss A Kids Clothing Sale
The average annual cost of raising a child between the ages of 0-2 years of age is $6,490.00. Approximately six percent of this cost consists of clothing. With the economy on the brink of a recession and the rising cost of fuel, child care and education, parents need a viable option for purchasing affordable kids clothing.
Maternity Clothing - What Every Woman Needs To Know About Maternity Clothes
Let's face it: maternity clothing is ugly and expensive. Since most women don't need to wear maternity clothes until the second trimester, at most you'll only be getting six months of use out of those ugly $200 overalls to cover your ever expanding stomach. I couldn't bring myself to spend thousands of dollars on a new wardrobe when I already felt so ugly, so I resorted to making my own for as long as possible. For example, I really didn't want to buy old lady underwear that would cover me from my belly button to the tops of my thighs. They were hot and uncomfortable anyway, but there aren't many sexy maternity panties around.
'Women Dying to Look Beautiful': Recent Article by Facial Fitness Expert Discusses Important Cosmetic Surgery Issues
Falling prey to the desire to look younger and more beautiful, men and women are electing to have cosmetic procedures that can kill. Last month another woman died as a result of a cosmetic surgery performed by a practitioner who was not certified to do such a risky procedure. It is vitally important to everyone's health and well being to scrutinize the qualifications and training of a practitioner.
Doll Cloth Design: Make You Child Enjoy With Beautiful Doll?s Clothes
For almost every young girls, I am sure that one of the most favourite toys for them is a doll. It could be human dolls or animal dolls and they all love to play. However, as many of parents can see that human (girls) dolls sometimes are more popular that than animal dolls. This is because modern type of dolls lets the children can change the dress of the doll, such as one obvious brand of Barby dolls.
Gustavo Cisneros: Miss Universe 2008: Another Triumph for Venezuelan Women
Gustavo Cisneros, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of the Cisneros Group of Companies, said today that the triumph of Dayana Mendoza, Miss Venezuela 2007, in the Miss Universe pageant held on July 14 is yet another of the many triumphs of Venezuelan women in all areas of public life.
Clothes Heaven Helps Consumers Find the Perfect Holiday Gifts: Beautiful Looks at Intelligent Prices
Clothes Heaven (www.clothesheaven.com), a boutique reseller of premium fashion goods and stylish accessories, welcomes consumers who want to find the perfect look for the holidays. The store is a favorite destination among style mavens who want excellent deals on many acclaimed brands. A highly popular destination for chic local shoppers and international travelers, Clothes Heaven is also a seven-time First Place Winner of the Best of City Search Los Angeles.
Beautiful Plus Size Clothing is Available for the Sexy Full Size Women
America is known for its population of larger people. Men and women alike have a hard time finding plus size clothing that is in style. Though the population of the country is larger, the fashion industry is more revolved around those who are teeny tiny. This may affect both men and women but none worse than the beautiful plus sized women.
Clothes Heaven Welcomes Back to School Fashion: Beautiful Looks and Perfect Prices
Clothes Heaven (www.clothesheaven.com), a boutique reseller of premium fashion goods and stylish accessories, proudly announces its special back to school celebration. This ongoing event is an opportunity for stylish young women - and people who want to look great for fall - to find deals on many acclaimed brands: True Religion, Citizens of Humanity, Sevens, Juicy Couture and other top products. A highly popular destination for chic local shoppers and international travelers, Clothes Heaven is also a seven-time First Place Winner of the Best of City Search Los Angeles.
Serendipitous Shopping: Eclectic & Bohemian Women's Clothing that is Comfortable and Beautiful Opens New Online Store
Call it what you will: Bohemian, Boho Chic, Hippie Chick… the hot style that's in right now is all about free-spirited, feminine, and eclectic clothing and accessories. Serendipity is a place where women and girls of all ages have fun shopping because they have the fashion styles you love. Now you can shop their store online from anywhere in the world.
